I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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