I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
