Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
