Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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