Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
