quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
