I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
