I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
