I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
