My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
