It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i dont even know how to be here
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
