WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Pooping to opera.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
