I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
