**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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