You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
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Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You ruined the universe
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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