I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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