genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
