Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
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Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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