i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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