you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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