Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
