ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
