On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
