Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
