Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
