either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
