Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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