it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
