i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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