please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
