Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
