I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
