I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
These tits shall not be calmed
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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