I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
