see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
