I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
