good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
