well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
