I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
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I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
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If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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