I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
