Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
