Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Randomize
