Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
