And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
