I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
