After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
