I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
