the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
