Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
