Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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