we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
