dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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