I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
