I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
