someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel