i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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