the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
