life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
