i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Threesome in a minivan. New low
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Floor bacon is actually really good
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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