it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
