I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
