my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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