Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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