I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
