Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
