he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
