I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
